Sources told the Black and Blue Jay that yesterday evening Ron Daniels’ evil twin Don Daniels won professor Pasternak to his “righteous, but in the rock and roll sense” cause of overthrowing his brother and taking control of JHU. Sources then confirmed he did this by promising his regime would make Hopkins students’ lives even more miserable than they are now. A key component of this platform is Daniels’ revolutionary Nero Tolerance Policy, reportedly named after one of Don Daniels personal heroes. It states that the acceptable amount of student happiness is to be set at levels comparable to the gladiators in the movie Spartacus.
Pasternak told reporters, “Well, I must say he made quite a pitch. I was on the fence until he mentioned the Nero Tolerance policy, which promises a strong stance on an issue I care deeply about, one toward which the university has too often turned a blind eye. I mean, I personally do my best to squelch joy, but one person can only do so much. This is the real deal.”
Don Daniels’ camp has floated numerous ideas about how to go about making the student body sad. Daniels himself revealed several at a press conference this morning.
“We’re definitely bringing back Sandela’s, probably to replace Chipotle, which has to go. Covered grades will be a thing of the past. I think having a constant mariachi band presence in D level would be very effective. I’m considering hiring people full time to just stand in line at the FFC at lunchtime just to make it longer. My most ambitious plan would involve making a new dorm with the amenities of the AMRs, the boredom of the Buildings, and the isolation of Hop Inn, but even optimistic projections set the timeline for that at around 2019. Of course, this could be accelerated if I “reallocated” the funds for the Spring Fair…”
When asked if he had considered shutting the frats down permanently as a way of saddening campus Don Daniels replied, “I couldn’t do that to my bros.”
While Pasternak’s role within Daniels’ revolution effort has yet to be made clear, early reports indicate that she will be a Brigadier General in Daniels’ Army, his Torture Czar, and Director of Social Media.