Early in the morning of December 25th, a man by the name of Nicholas J. Kringle, commonly referred to as “Santa Claus,” was arrested for over 7 billion counts of alleged breaking and enterings. His supposed spree was ended after a pile of mounting evidence became enough to warrant arrest by Officer Ebenezer Azkaban. Said Azkaban,
“It’s taken years to track the guy down, but we finally got him cold. I got a pile of red fibers and beard hairs in the back, and enough half-eaten cookies to make myself a DNA empire. Big fella’s going down for this one.”
Mr. Kringle was taken into custody after a sting, helmed by Azkaban, where Kringle was found attempting to break into the home of a paraplegic boy in Topeka, Kansas. Azkaban and the rest of the Topeka PD managed to taze the portly Kringle as he attempted to hop into a rather narrow chimney on the roof. Reports indicate that eight quadripeds were seen fleeing the scene, led by a ninth with some sort of red signaling device. They remain at large.
While it’s important to remain unbiased, as Mr. Kringle has not yet been convicted, Officer Azkaban is certain that these allegations will certainly lead to jail time.
“Let’s look at the facts. We have a magical, powerful, crime-loving mad man who possibly holds a series of slaves and servile animals in a compound in the arctic tundra. Dude’s gotta get locked up. I’m even trying to tap on another 7 bill worth of reverse-theft charges while I’m at it. Sick bastard.”
Given the high profile of the case, the DA has been playing their cards close to the chest in terms of the supposed-Claus’ whereabouts. However, the Black and Blue Jay managed to get an exclusive glimpse at Kringle while he was being transported for sentencing. Said he,
“Do you know what they’ll do to a jolly guy like me in prison? Ho ho oh no.”
UPDATE: The trial seems to be leaning in Mr. Kringle’s favor.
UPDATE: Mr. Kringle will be serving 4 quadrillion years in maximum security prison.