Ray Rice Hired as Wolman Elevator Operator

JHU administration announced earlier this week that, effective immediately, former Ravens running back Ray Rice would be the new elevator operator in Wolman Hall.  Rice told reporters, “Well, after getting cut, I decided that I needed to just move on and start fresh in a career where I wouldn’t be constantly reminded of my past.” The Rutgers product went on to say that he was really looking forward to interacting with the students on the elevator during the course of the day, saying that, “the confused, disturbed way they look at me just keeps me going.  It’s why I punch in and out of work everyday.”

Several students who have been on the elevator with Rice have expressed discomfort, to say the least.  Freshman Traci Gallagher said, “He just sits there and looks around really intensely, muttering stuff like ‘I don’t see any cameras in this one,’ and sometimes pounding the wall and yelling, ‘Come on, everybody was doing it!’  I’m just glad I live on the second floor.  I think I’ll start taking the stairs.”  In addition, there have been reports of Rice shadow-boxing on the job.

Rice has seemed out of sorts so far in his new position, according to reports.  Freshman John Tolzien said, “One day I took the elevator and I was wearing a Ravens jersey, and Ray Rice just stepped over and signed it without being asked to. He looked me in the eye and whispered, ‘This next touchdown is for you.’  Then the door opened and he just picked me up, dragged me out of the elevator, and walked away.  It was the creepiest moment of my life.” Reporters caught Rice as he was leaving work on Friday and he declined to comment on the incident, saying that after a long workweek, he just wanted to go home, kick back, and give his darling wife a blow-by-blow recap of his day.

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