Black & Blue Jay Staffer Needs to do Research for Article on Porn

Guys.

Guys.

Guys, I have the funniest article idea.

It’s “Film Majors Petition for a Pornography Minor.”

That’s so funny right?

Anyway listen: I’m going to need to do some research for this one. I’ll probably be missing the next few meetings. If you could send an email to my professors explaining my absences I would really appreciate that, too.

See the thing is, I’m a man of integrity. Of truth and honor and really getting down to the meat of a story. And to do that, for this one, I’m going to need to go deep. I’m going to thrust in and out of different videos and websites, fetishes and subcultures, until I feel finished and satisfied with my level of knowledge concerning the filming of intercourse.

There are probably so many subtle things we don’t even think about. Like what if the camera gets sticky, or the lens fogs up from all the hot steamy action?

These are concerns my article will address, with classes the porno minors can take like “Splooge Avoidance” and “Hitting the Right Angles Under Pressure.”

I’m confident I can do this right. Just trust me on it. I swear I won’t fuck it up like I did with “13 Best Ways to Help ISIS Hack the US Gov’t” or “How to Lose an Airplane Over the Indian Ocean.”

Here it is:

Film Majors Petition for a Pornography Minor

In a totally unsurprising turn of events, Film and Media Studies majors of all ages have joined together to demand a Pornography minor be added to the Hopkins curriculum.

“Pornography, the portrayal of sexual subject matter for the purpose of sexual arousal, is an art form that spans the existence of the entire human race. It embodies us. Contains us. Arouses our very essence until enlightenment is achieved. To deny Film majors the right to explore these expressionist ideals is an affront to humanity, liberty, and sexually-repressed freshman everywhere,” said junior Film and Media Studies major Richard Johnson.

“There’s so much subtlety involved in the filming of any piece,” began sophomore Brittany Jennings, “and pornography is no different. Picture a car driving along a freeway, and then it crashes. Now picture a different car driving on a different freeway, but instead this one has a woman being Eiffel-towered and each guy is getting fisted by the driver, who is driving with his erect penis. The point I’m making right here is that both of those scenes can be filmed a myriad of ways. One could begin with an outward shot of the landscape, swooping in to catch the accident unfurling in slow motion, or one could film everything from the first-person perspective of the passenger seat. Similarly, one could begin with an outward shot of the landscape and then swoop in for climax, or film a close range POV shot. A minor would really help me know which would bring about the most somber emotion, or sheer sexual thrill. Respectively, of course.”

“Porn adaptations of classic films would also enhance the understanding of the classic itself,” claimed senior Harry “Dirty Harry” Harris. “I find ‘Apocalypse Now’ to be a fairly confusing movie, and I really feel that if I could attempt a porn adaptation of it, something along the lines of ‘Orgasm Now’ (subtitle ‘Hole of Darkness’), then I’d be able to more directly connect with the brutal themes of depression, power, and insanity.”

Similar to the sit-ins of the Civil Rights Movement, the Film majors have occupied Gilman Atrium and begun furiously “masturbating for education” in hopes of drawing attention to their cause.

One passerby, freshman Computer Science major David Pelto, had this to say upon seeing the protest: “I’m against the minor, to be honest. Why should they get credit for something everyone does anyway?”