Last week, the Marylander, an apartment building near the Homewood Campus, renovated its lobby with the purchase of an array of new furniture. The new comfy-looking couches, plush chairs, and fuzzy rugs were a much-needed upgrade, apparently, from the standard lobby accoutrements that were previously ignored by residents. Despite these new trappings, the Marylander is still undoubtedly a shithole.
Ben Soupéd, a Marylander resident, was emphatic about the new couches.
“They look so comfortable, like real nap couches, you know? What they are doing in the lobby of this crappy building, though, I have no idea. They belong in my awful apartment.” He trailed off as he searched the ceiling for security cameras.
Not everyone was so complimentary. Daniel Horowitz, another resident, wanted the public to know just how horrible the Marylander is.
“The furniture is nice, yeah. But this building is still a shithole. Imagine, if you will, an actual shithole, no, but seriously, someone’s actual rectum in someone’s actual ass. Now, please envision a cherry, like one of those nice-ass maraschino cherries that goes on top of a nice-ass ice cream sundae. If you would be so kind as to, in your mind, take that nice-ass cherry off of that nice-ass sundae, and put it on the actual shithole in someone’s actual ass, you have the fucking Marylander with these fucking couches.”
When asked if he thought Horowitz went too far in his, admittedly awesome, analogy, Soupéd replied that he didn’t think Horowitz went far enough, and mentioned how he believed the asshole from the metaphor should “most definitely be unwiped.” He added, “I would have preferred it if they had given every resident a single dollar rather than sprucing up a pretty much useless room.”
Karen Shoe, a representative of the company that manages the building, said she understood the concerns of residents, but that the company felt this was in the best interest of the Marylander community as a whole.
“We had some extra money this quarter from increasing the rent for new residents for no reason. We thought about tearing the money up or lighting a huge bonfire with it to provide our residents with warmth when the central heating goes out again… Eventually, we settled on the new furniture because ultimately we wanted our building to have the kind of vibe that says we have the money to fix the mouse problem or to fix the faucet in apartment 1077, but we spent it on luxury that will probably only be used by a pizza guy while he waits to deliver some food.”