This is mostly a true story. These are the headlines I came up with for a day in the life.

I Bought Fair Trade Coffee From Alkimia.

I Placed it on My Desk.

I Drank Some of It and Burned My Tongue.

Oh, and I also Spilled it All Over My Shirt and Leggings.

Oh, and while Spilling it on My Shirt and Leggings, I Spilled it All Over My Desk.

Now It’s on the Floor.

I Shouted FUCK in the Middle of Class.

My Professor Barely Looked Away From the PowerPoint.

My Friend Handed Me a Tiny Tissue.

I Zipped My Hoodie Over the Stain.

I Had No Time to Run Home So I Went to My Job.

I Lost My Job.

Everyone Asked Me What Smelled Like Coffee For the Rest of the Day.

I Lost the Respect of All of My Peers.

I Called My Mom.

Lost Her Respect, Too.

I Remembered That I Am an Adult and I Can Do My Own Damn Laundry.

I Remembered Spring Fair is This Weekend.

I Win; Fuck You, World.