Bradford – It looks like Norman Bates’ wet dream if he had no imagination. For some reason people still really like it.
Homewood – This spacious dorm has the unique convenience of being closer to the SAIS Nanjing campus of China than the Homewood campus. For those needing to go to the main campus, a Concord jet can be purchased for 10% off by signing up with your .jhu email address!
Rogers House – Lol does anyone actually live here #turnup2015
McCoy – It’s basically a freshman dorm, so you’re guaranteed the awkwardness of the last year without any of your friends!
Charles Commons – This is God, praise be unto Him, His cookies, view, and proximity to campus. There’s an amusement park in the basement. You can skydive from the roof. The 8th floor has your exact sexual fantasy waiting for you, and the 9th has unlimited free food for the post-coital munchies. The water fountains are filled with Grey Goose vodka and the vending machines are stocked with the finest strains of weed on the planet. There is nothing more important than this living experience and anyone who isn’t in Commons isn’t worth your time. Fucking plebeians.
The President’s House – This is a really quaint place. Ron brings you breakfast in bed, the President’s lawn is right outside, and it’s conveniently located next to Olin Hall – GECS majors I’m looking at you 😉
Your Current Freshman Dorm – You don’t want to leave. You don’t like change. It’s okay. We understand. There’s just too many memories. But, honey, you’re going to have to move on by junior year at least. We’ll come back and talk then.
The Library – A few years back someone arranged a few sleeping bags in a corner on D-Level. This has proved to be one of the more popular dorms due to the close proximity to the depression you’ve given up avoiding after all this time.
Homewood Museum – This is a pretty place, but it’s a little worn down. The biggest complaint isn’t that the only bathroom facilities are located outside the main building on the Freshman Quad, but the fact is that Charles Carroll’s ghost takes forever in the mornings there, and for fucks sake, Charlie, you need to shit and get to class already.