Passive Aggressive Asshole Pixar Lamp to Give Commencement Speech

On March 30, the Johns Hopkins University administration announced the Class of 2015 commencement speaker would be President of Walt Disney and Pixar Animation Studios Dr. Edwin Earl Catmull, also known as “Ed,” also known as Pixar’s murderous asshole lamp, the one who viciously murdered the ‘i’. The student body has been surprisingly unconcerned about the decision and in fact rather eager to hear the advice of Dr. Catmull.

“I hear he has a spring in his step. As an electrical engineer I’m excited to hear someone speak with his enthusiasm. I mean, it’s like he’s got electricity coursing through his veins,” remarks senior Mark Mills.  Mills continued, “I’m hoping that he shares his expertise in brightening a room, not living in the shadows, and especially how to show no hesitation when murdering the letter ‘i’.”

After The Black and Blue Jay staff backed far away from Mills, they questioned senior Film and Media Studies major Erika Norme on her opinions about the speaker. “Oh, I’m like so excited. He’s like, a master at lighting scenes and setting the mood. Noir, comedy, drama…every picture is perfectly balanced. Maybe he’ll make up for the university’s apathy, and talk about, like, work-life balance… wait, he did what?”

Pre-law students like Smith Jacobs are expecting insider advice. When asked about the horrific homicide of ‘i’, he said, “Yeah he’s the one who got away with it, then took the footage and made it the intro to each of his family films, like to remind the audience to cherish every moment they share together with their family.” Pinching his eyes to stop from crying, he continued, “I’m sorry, it gets me every time.”

Despite the hype, Dr. Catmull himself has humbly stated his speech will be nothing special, just some remarks on, “the light at the end of the tunnel, what to do when the light bulb goes off,” and how “there’s no ‘i’ in team.“​

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