Today, April 3, is the tenth anniversary of JHU’s annual Edible Book Festival, and our very literate team of writers here at BNBJ are ecstatic. In preparation for this grand event, we’ve been voring books like we’re Joey Chestnut in a room full of glizzies. After doing extensive research and reviewing thousands of edible books, we’ve compiled a list of some of our favorites to help get you in the spirit!

• The Bible by God
  • Taste: bland and crisp, like a stale communion wafer
  • Texture: flaky, almost like phyllo dough
  • Health Impacts: infinite wisdom, eternal damnation
  • Moral Implications: some people are gonna be really mad at you

• The Rainbow Fish by Marcus Pfister (yes, that is his name)
  • Taste: sweet like a pfist full of Skittles
  • Texture: soft but firm, kind of like a pfist in your mouth
  • Health Impacts: contains your daily recommended intake of omega 3 pfatty acids
  • Moral Implications: consumption is encouraged as long as you share with all your pfriends 🙂

• Audiobooks are available for those fasting for Ramadan!
  • Taste: no
  • Texture: no
  • Health Impacts: no
  • Moral Implications:

This article was made possible by audible. Audible is the leading provider of audio books. They have over 180,000 audio books to choose from. Visit www.audible.com for one free audio book! This is the best place for audio books and I cannot recommend it enough!

• Your grandmother’s old Martha Stewart Cookbook by Martha Stewart
  • Taste: sour and tangy from the crust stuck between the pages
  • Texture: crunchy on the edges but soft in the middle
  • Health Impacts: salmonella
  • Moral Implications: guilt, insomnia, destroying the last piece of Granny that you have left

• Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James
  • Taste: sour and tangy from the crust stuck between the pages
  • Texture: crunchy on the edges but soft in the middle
  • Health Impacts: high in probiotics
  • Moral Implications: guilt, insomnia, erectile dysfunction

• The Constitution by James Madison et al.
  • Taste: umami, fermented, definitely should’ve been thrown out and replaced years ago
  • Texture: dry and brittle, you know like a biscuit but not like a normal biscuit but like a Popeyes biscuit except if it was thin like paper and made by racists? No c’mon guys you’re not getting it it’s like- no I’m not overly invested in this I literally don’t even care it’s just like your interpretation man. No you need to calm down, I’m not yelling you’re yelling. You’re just like your pfather.
  • Health Impacts: I don’t know man I’m a little worked up right now
  • Moral Implications: treason