Is your 92 year old professor ghosting you? Doesn’t know your name in the 300-person lecture you never show up to? Are office hours too scawwy? BNBJ has got you covered! We’ve developed a foolproof 3-step method to ensure your prehistoric professor gets you that stellar rec letter faster than you can speed walk past the people outside Charmar asking you for money.
- Stand up for the entire class period, never break eye contact, sweat profusely.
- Applaud really loud after every lecture.
- Raise your hand, wink when they call on you, don’t answer.
- “Accidentally” submit your foot pics instead of your paper on Canvas.
- Slide into office hours wearing sunglasses and holding a rose in your teeth. Drop off a letter professing your love (and desire to get into med school). Leave conspicuously.
Eliminate the Competition!
- Send a mass email to the class under the guise of a TA, announce that class is canceled, and be the only one in lecture the next day. “Wow, students these days are just so lazy!”
- Hand out free brownies by the door of the lecture hall. Add laxatives to the batter.
- Download a frequency app and play a tone at 17.4kHz mid-lecture. Your classmates will be forced out, but your professor won’t hear a thing!
- Send a “follow up” asking why they haven’t sent you the letter they promised last month.
- After class, follow them outside tailing 15 ft behind and observe them getting into a slate gray 2015 Toyota Corolla LE. The next day, go to the parking lot, find the car, and attach the SANOXY Mini Magnetic GPS Tracker you bought off Craigslist under the rear bumper. Check their location sometime after 7:00pm to deduce their home address. Then, pretend to be one of their closest colleagues and send a letter inviting them to a nice dinner at 6:00pm next Saturday at the fourth highest-rated Italian restaurant in a 5 mile radius according to Yelp (they spent a semester in Italy back in ‘62). Skip the reservation and arrive at the house at 6:15pm. Enter the house using the keys you copied last month. Take Mr. Whiskers. Leave behind a ransom note, demanding a letter of recommendation in exchange for the cat’s return.
- Threaten to leak their old Myspace account.
- Ask a stimulating question about the lecture after each class and slowly build a professional relationship.