Hopkins Unveils Dungeons & Dragons Based Counseling, Losers Rejoice

Ever feel like you keep rolling nat 1s in life? Half elves got you down? The Johns Hopkins Counseling Center has just the thing for you! 

After countless student requests for foundational counseling services, the counseling center has come out with something even jazzier. Introducing: Dungeons and Dragons based group therapy. We at the BnB(J) wanted to see what was going on with the DnD, so we sent our geekiest reporter, Jason, undercover to do a perception check on the situation.

“First we filled out a survey and got character sheets from Lord Theraputus. From that point onward, I was Jasonius the Downtrodden, a warlock with the incredible power to make others speak about how they’re really feeling. There was also Bartholemew the Bitchless—a fighter specializing in single-handed ‘combat’, Delilah of Daddyissues—a warlock whose power was directly tied to their self-worth stat, and Samson of Socialanxietus—a wizard who could enchant any person they talked to.”

The students’ first foe was a fire orc who could only be put out using de-escalation tactics. Jasonius took 20 damage during the battle, finding the ‘hug it out’ skill rather ineffective against the beast. Delilah used ‘empathize’, which the orc was weak to, and Augustus used ‘suggest downloading the calm app’ to finish it off.

At the end of the session, Theraputus exiled Jasonius from his posse, saying “your actions put you on the chaotic side of the alignment chart, and we aren’t able to deal with those kinds of people.” 

For any knights out there interested in joining the group, heed this warning. The characters within the campaign suffer from hyper-enfeeblement, and they can only last two sessions. This can only be escaped with the elixir of longevity, which can be purchased from the JHU counseling center for $200 per session. J Cash is accepted.


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