On the Saturday evening of September 3rd, epic fraternity Phi Psi threw an absolute banger party. It had it all: Mo Bamba, too many freshmen, and the gnarliest jungle juice this side of the bay has ever seen. When it was all over, brother Chazz Longwood took the barrel to the nearby Stony Run creek and doused himself in the sticky liquid (his favorite weekend activity). What Chazz and his long wood didn’t know was the consequences this midnight dip would hold for the city of Baltimore.

When the AMRs filled with the stench of vomit and diarrhea, no one noticed a difference. That is, until pre-med Andy Snutz noticed something off about the cloudy liquid pouring from his faucet.

“I knew the taste of stale V8 and hand sanitizer the second I drank the water. My dad used to make the best jungle juice every night, but this one tasted different…tasted…bacterial. My father will hear about this.”

In attempts to boost his resume, Andy tested the water and discovered startling amounts of E.coli. A public advisory was subsequently sent out notifying residents of the E coli outbreak. Public health officer Sharon Eedles released the following statement:

“It has come to our attention that there are cweepy cwawlies in the wawa. They awe in your walls. Be afwaid. Vewy afwaid”

We here at the Black and Blue Jay think this statement is weird and dumb and we did not make it up also. We’d like to offer our own advice for the situation.

Live, Laugh, Love, Don’t Go to the Chipotle on St. Paul ❤