We’ve all seen them — huddled masses of accepted students and their disappointed parents in campus tour groups. A secret society of admitted student sympathizers called the Blue Key Society leads these tours and brainwashes Harvard’s entire waitlist, year after year.
This cabal of traitors doesn’t have to win, and these tour groups don’t have to waddle around our beautiful quads unpunished. If you happen to see admitted students on campus, here are ten ways you can give them a good idea of what Hopkins is really like.
- Gaslight the finance kid into thinking he’s dumb for not taking AP MegaEconomics in high school
- Single out the weakest looking kid and scalp him
- Pretend you’re a JHU School of Medicine scout. Guarantee admission to the first pre-med who can identify your ass-rash
- Abduct a younger sibling who’s just along for the ride. Break his stupid little iPad.
- Walk up to a mom in the group and tug on her shirt sleeve, tell her you’re lost (foam at the mouth if desired)
- Bag a MILF, become the stepdad of an incoming member of the class of 2026
- Create your own rival tour group to watch and point at them, saying nothing
- Announce that the tour guide is wearing assless chaps, which is why he’s always walking backwards
- AirDrop your OnlyFans page to the dad who looks closest to cheating on his wife
- Return the abducted sibling to the crowd, with a Happy Meal for his trouble