Ghosts The Best Explanation for Students Sitting Together in the FFC

Last week, the University sent out an email regarding COVID guideline violations in the Fresh Food Cafe, scolding students for moving chairs around and crowding them around tables. However, the student body protested these accusations, claiming their innocence and demanding an alternate explanation. Upon further investigation, the University has settled on the only logical conclusion: (g-g-g-g-)ghosts. 

Advisors from the JHU Office of Paranormal Activities have deduced that the spirit is a freshman from the Class of 2013 who suffered food poisoning after a particularly tragic Fish Friday. His motives (and vaccination status) are still unclear, but students have reported food being too cold at times and have been served almost ectoplasmically slimy chicken, both sure signs of an undead presence. 

The ghost is also rumored to be responsible for recent power and internet outages in the AMRs, although he seemed to avoid the Freshman Annex in the middle of the quad, just like everyone else.

In order to alleviate this ghastly issue, Hopkins has opened applications for student ghost hunters. Applicants should have at least five years of experience in exorcism or must have vanquished the monster under their childhood bed. This is an entry level position, and compensation will start at 4 tater tots per hour. If you catch the ghost, you’ll get a bonus of 60 seconds alone with the FFC’s sacred vat of cheeseburger soup.

Be advised that the man running around the cafe in a bedsheet is NOT the ghost. He is none of your concern.

To be considered, please send feet pics resumes and ghost hunting stories to


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