Hopkins students only pray on two occasions: Fall and Spring course registration. When SIS freezes right after they hit “Register,” Hopkins students everywhere let out a nervous little squeal. To alleviate some of your anxiety around course registration, we’ve compiled a list of some lesser known new classes for your intense academic pleasure.

Modern Housing Crises (F/Sa, 8pm-10pm)

Are you worried about your best friend shacking up with your girlfriend next year in Commons while you’re stuck in McCoy? In this course, we’ll learn strategies to make the most of your housing situation, like JCard forgery and wearing your best friend’s face. Don’t be a McCuck.

Sleepers Anonymous (M-F, 3am-7am)

Do you sleep? We’re sorry to hear that. We want you to stand a chance against your peers, so this first-year seminar will condition you to stop giving into your bodily urges. Learn the foundations of destructive, self deprecating habits. You already don’t have sex, so flaccid participation will not be tolerated. Guest lecturers include Guantanamo Bay’s famed interrogation team.

Grief in Education: Coping with the Loss of the WaMP Display Outside the FFC (T/Th, 12-1:15pm)

Silent vigils. We mourn together.

Animal Whispering (M/W/F, 8-8:50am)

Befriend rats in McCoy: Sksksksksksks. Guest lectures from the pied piper.

FYS: Internet Publishing (Tu, 7:00-8:00pm)

Do you make insensitive jokes? Do you feel alienated by how much funnier you are than your friends? Are you well-adjusted and well-endowed? Black and Blue Jay meetings are Tuesdays from 7-8pm in Krieger 309.

Snake Charming: How to Befriend Premeds (W, 4:30-6:00pm)

We’ve all been there — running out of people to hang out with, so now you have to befriend a premed. Fret not, because we know how to seduce those lil’ varmints: with the Kaplan MCAT Complete 7-Book Subject Review (With 3 Practice Tests Included)!

Practicum in Campus Navigation: Seven Important Spots (Th, 6:00-7:30am)

Are you still waiting to have sex in a place worth bragging about? This eyes-on, hands-off, face-down, ass-up course will take you through the Hopkins Seven like you’ve never seen them before: by watching your peers churning the butter and crying for their mothers. You’ll practicum so hard.