Top 10 Unreleased Security Bulletins

Recently there has been a flood of emails from the Campus Security Office warning us of the all-important threats of stalking, groping and a host of other pre- and post-Elizabethan indiscretions. There are many who think that the pendulum has now swung from no information to overexposure.

A paranoia has set in where even the occasional flirtatious glance by a JHU sophomore is now being turned into the more serious charge of public voyeurism.

In an effort to be completely transparent about these security notifications, we would like to bring to the attention of the Johns Hopkins community the top ten security violations which were not reported in the email notification system:

  1. In AMR II, two students were kissing when a roommate entered their dorm room and killed the moment – he was arrested and brought to security for 2nd degree homicide.
  2. In physical chemistry lab, a group mixing sodium with chloride was charged with assault.
  3. At the baseball diamond yesterday, the right fielder for the Blue Jays was arrested when he stole 2nd base.
  4. A JHU junior was playing KC and the Sunshine Band at the same time as a Milli Vanilli album and was accused of violating the dorms civil rights.
  5. At HellWell recently a nurse was taken into custody after ripping the band-aid off a JHU student.
  6. One of the JHU biology professors was arrested at the greenhouse yesterday for spending excess time with flora – security reports he was stalking.
  7. In statistics class, two students calculating the average rainfall in tropical climates were charge with a mist demeanor.
  8. Two JHU engineering students were arrested last week while conducting electrical experiments and were charged with battery.
  9. A foreign student was detained outside of the Language Lab for committing a faux paus.
  10. Campus Security stopped an English professor earlier this week. The report says he was writing without poetic license.

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