We thought we had fought off those PETA goons with our anti-owl article, but at their most recent protest, a strange new sign made an appearance. The sign read simply “Birds Aren’t Real.” What does this mean for a university that houses and “educates” Blue Jays?

The message was simple, but it sent squawk-waves across the entire campus. Hopkins students have been forced to confront the same question old people did after watching the Matrix: are we even real? Student Raven Condor expressed her concerns with our field reporter.

“When I saw the sign, I almost squawked. I don’t know who I am anymore. Am I me? Or am I simply a piece of junkyard machinery crafted by a corrupt government? Would I know the difference? Am I capable of love?”

Other students were less articulate. Junior Eggbert Lorington pointed to himself and repeated: “I am bird. Bird real! You see I am bird? Bird real!”

Bird affirmer and Johns Hopkins freshman Günther Thompson was kind enough to speak with us. “I can’t be a robot,” he cried. “I have feathers, see?”

He ripped open his shirt to reveal the bushiest chest bush we have ever seen. His plumage was curly, luscious, and sweaty. It was rippling pectoral buckwheat that called to me across the Quad. Sorry, what were we talking about? We can’t find a good way to end this article? No you shut up.