Much like the average Hopkins student, barn owls are trapped in campus buildings, yearning for death and wishing they were at a state school instead. But unlike the average pre-med, these owls are actually contributing to scientific research. 

These dirty vagrant owls are staying rent-free in Ames Hall, and they’ve never had to swipe their JCards to get food. For some reason, PETA is upset about this. Here are some reasons why you shouldn’t be.

• They can’t record from their own brains without a human’s help
• You would think they’d have figured out “Who” by now 
• One of them deviously licked my Tootsie Pop and made a commercial about it
• They can’t read
• Like my dad, when they accumulate enough resources, they cheat on their partners and fuck the nearest owl
  • Screw you dad
    • Please come back
• A group of owls is called a parliament, and this is America, you Loyalist sumbitch
• Their brains are tiny, probably got a 1590 on the SAT
• Their penises are smaller on average than a human’s (there are exceptions, of course)
• They have gizzards, so they can’t be true throat goats like me #GizzardWizard
• Hedwig went out like a bitch in Harry Potter
• Owls feed the strongest babies first. Sounds like eugenics to me. #Hoogenics
• They have three sets of eyelids, and yet they’ve never seen a pair of tits
• They’re supposed to have excellent hearing, but they can’t hear us from the basement they’re in while we talk shit