In November of 2021, the Queen of England’s staff proclaimed that Elizabeth II was entering a “new phase” and would most likely not be seen again until February. Kinda sus. Our QILF team here at the Black and Blue Jay has been hard at work unveiling all sorts of grimy, scaly secrets.

On a brisk mid-January afternoon, correspondent Curtis Conners found what he thought was a discarded layer of the stuff that forms on milk when you heat it on a stovetop. However, upon closer inspection, he found a face he would recognize anywhere. This was Queen Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Windsor’s outer layer of skin.

The scales on her flaked flesh led us to believe she may be a fish, but she has never attended a school, which ruled out that possibility. After some testing in a lab in Ames (the same place they keep the owls), we unveiled the truth: the Queen is a she-lizard.

Overwhelming evidence cannot be ignored. She just conveniently disappeared during the coldest month of the year. More damning, at the ripe age of seventeen, she proclaimed “I’m too nervous to feel the cold!” She has avoided slip-ups like this in subsequent years, but this reveal of her cold-blooded nature is incontrovertible. 

We must ask: have you ever seen the Queen and a lizard in the same room? 

We thought not.

Further, with Margaret Thatcher being a known snake, this wouldn’t be the first scaly reveal in the UK.  

I, for one, accept our new reptilian overlords. Whether you’re a reptile, amphibian, or even just a small rat wearing many, many trench coats, you deserve equality and respect. Unless you are a war criminal or my stepdad. Fuck the Queen (QILF).

We reached out to the British government and Animal Planet for comment, but we have yet to receive a response.

This was the first in a series of slithery discoveries brought to you by the Black and Blue Jay with the indispensable help of LSD.