What You’ll Get if You Don’t Move Out 24 Hours After Your Last Final

  • An automated email from Res Life telling you to beat it, and not your meat
  • Pictures of your family having a great time without you 
  • Student Health & Wellness will take back your vaccine 
  • HopCop K9 chihuahuas will piss on your bed and scratch up your couch
  • Your mom will call you and tell you how proud you could have made her if you were more like your brother
  • Calls in the middle of the day from an asthmatic telemarketer asking if you know where his inhaler is
  • Your dad will forget to pick you up on his way back from your girlfriend’s house
  • The university will send in a crew of juiced up lax players to trash your room and make you pay for the damages, including the curious waist-level holes in the drywall

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