What Your Facial Hair Says About You

With spring in the air and masks coming off, the face-lettuce of Johns Hopkins is on full, glorious display. All you scruffy sex gods and scraggly sigmas have inspired our team here at the Black and Blue Jay to give you the inside scoop of what facial hair can tell you about a person. Don’t forget to (chin)strap in.

Classification: Amish

Rating: 7.5/10

Personality: Down to earth, popular with livestock

Weakness: Won’t text you back

Classification: Firefighter

Rating: 14/10

Personality: Leathery hands, moms want the hose

Weakness: Slippery when wet, wet often

Classification: Handlebar

Rating: 6.9/10

Personality: Old soul, easily startled

Weakness: Will tie you to the train tracks unprovoked 

Classification: Clean Shaven

Rating: 5/10

Personality: Prepubescent, “where’s my hug” energy

Weakness: Peanut allergy

Classification: Stefan Arseneau

Rating: 2/10

Personality: Begins every sentence with “Well actually”, ate cardboard last week

Weakness: See personality

Classification: Chinstrap

Rating: 4/10

Personality: Gets along with penguins, in an open relationship

Weakness: Doesn’t know he’s in an open relationship

Classification: Shrubbery

Rating: 4.9/10

Personality: Lawnmower resistant

Weakness: Shower resistant

Classification: Goatee

Rating: 3/10

Personality: Plays the bass

Weakness: Thinks mayo is spicy, damp hands

Classification: Dr. Jason Trageser, PhD

Rating: 8.5/10

Personality:  Great professor, would recommend

Weakness: Poor peripheral vision, thinks he’s clean shaven

Classification: Scruffy_millennial_stock_photo.png

Rating: 7/10

Personality: None discernable

Weakness: Has a watermark, trapped behind a paywall

Classification: Confucius

Rating: 10/10

Personality: Wise, can find the clitoris

Weakness: Dead for many centuries

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