As the U.S. surpassed 100 million vaccinations this week, we figured at least five of them would be Hopkins students. So we hit the streets to ask Blue Jays for their thoughts on the vaccine rollout. We interviewed Maryam Beckett, a sophomore public health major who smelled like Tom’s deodorant and wood chippings. She thought we were CNN and got really excited so we just played along.
“Have you gotten the vaccine yet?” we asked.
MB: “I don’t really need it, Anderson.”
What a selfish bitch.
BNBJ: “Everybody needs it. It’s an important way to keep yourself and the people around you safe.”
MB: “I don’t really get around that much. I kinda just stay home… I’ve never even been on a date.”
BNBJ: “But you’re screwing other people by not getting vaccinated.”
MB: “But I’m literally not screwing anyone. I’m saving myself for marriage.”
BNBJ: “What does that have to do with the vaccine?”
MB: “How am I supposed to get HPV? I never sex people and I never sit on toilet seats.”
Disclaimer: You can’t get HPV from sitting on a toilet seat. Unless the toilet seat is my lap.
Also — ha, virgin.
BNBJ: “No, we meant the COVID vaccine. It’s becoming available to students and we wanted to know if you’re getting it.”
MB: “I’m vegan, and I heard they put bull penis in the vaccine. And also goat milk.”
BNBJ: “It’s not goat milk. It’s polyethylene glycol.”
Disclaimer: The COVID vaccine does not contain bull penis or goat milk. But horse lips and pig anus are vegan, right?
MB: “Honestly, the main reason is that I’m too busy. I have midterms.”
We ended the interview here because we also had midterms.