Our field reporter, a freshman living in Commons, detailed the events of an unannounced fire drill that left its residents on the street this Tuesday. (We pay him in gen-chem backtests and dinner scraps.)

Out of nowhere, a voice in the wall announced “FIRE. FIRE. PLEASE EXIT THE BUILDING.” We’re told she sounded hot.

This drill caught many residents by surprise. Some were sleeping, others were watching naked yoga on YouTube (don’t ask), and many were in the middle of their 5 minute Pomodoro mental breakdown. But all of them had to leave in a hurry. 

On the way out, our reporter witnessed dozens of students in line at Nolan’s who refused to leave until they got their daily rations of 1 apple and 1 scoop of Vanilla Frozen Dairy Product (we are not legally permitted to call it ice cream). One girl even wished that a fire would consume Commons, because at least then the food would be properly cooked. 

Others, who haven’t left their apartments since move-in couldn’t find their way out of the building. Some of them found exit doors, but didn’t want to open them in case they were alarmed emergency exits. 

On the ground floor, a group of scared engineers were huddled around the turnstiles, unsure of how to get out. They were afraid of the metal bars closing in on them as they walked through. Some were reciting the digits of pi for comfort. They sent a sacrificial lamb through the turnstiles, but our reporter is unsure if he made it. 

Once everyone was outside, JHU Security was there to make sure all 600 residents stayed six feet apart on the sidewalk. Some spilled over into the road, but traffic made swift work of them.