Freshman Shocked to Realize Other Students Exist

The Black and Blue Jay sat down with freshman Wendy Ball this past Tuesday to discuss her experiences with the warmer weather this week. When our reporter first tried to approach Wendy, she bolted into Wyman Park Dell and it took a full hour to find her, cowering in the bushes. A large Kung Fu Milk Tea and whispers of a cheat sheet got her crawling out of the dirt. 

Black and Blue Jay: So, Wendy, how are you enjoying the first week of warm weather?

Wendy, still kind of in the bushes, started poking our reporter’s hand to check for a pulse. 

Wendy: It was a total shock. I had no idea I wasn’t the only student who went here. For the past month, I’ve been the only student speaking in any of my classes and I didn’t see anyone outside so naturally I thought I was the only person who went here. 

B&BJ [slowly retracting hand from Wendy’s vice grip]: interesting….what made you think that?

Wendy: I’ve been holed up in AMR II and I was going to have an absolutely lovely picnic when I saw a bunch of a-holes standing on MY beach. At first I thought they were visiting from a different school but the absolute stench of depression and the competitive attitude gave it away….and the Hopkins merch. 

B&BJ: Did you try speaking to them? 

Wendy: Well, I wasn’t entirely sure I wasn’t having a hand sanitizer-induced hallucination but I said hello and they all looked at me. I was so scared I ran all the way to Bloomberg and didn’t leave for like… thirty minutes. 

B&BJ: What about the other people in your classes?

Wendy: Well, no one ever said anything, so I thought they were computer simulations. I assumed the professors were trying to make me feel less lonely. 

B&BJ: You’ve never seen anyone in Brody?

Wendy [wielding her Bath and Body Works Hand Sanitizer like a sword]: Who? Who is this Brody you speak of?

B&BJ: The library… on campus

Wendy: I’ve never heard of such a thing.

B&BJ: Huh. Well why did you think there were so many chairs on campus?

Wendy: I thought Hopkins installed a modern art exhibit just for me. 

Wendy [looking wistfully off into the distance]: I’m disappointed, I thought all the emails were for me because they had my name on them. I thought Ronny D and I had something special. 
At this point, Wendy burst into tears and ran off into the woods, leaving a trail of sour apple hand sanitizer in her wake. Sometimes, you can still get a whiff of it when the wind is just right.


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