Junior Melissa Reinhart was left all by her lonesome this Thanksgiving break. After a week doing nothing, her family decided to surprise her with a Thanksgiving dinner visit. She was thrilled to see everyone, even her crazy uncle and aunt, Jed and Jolene. They brought the undersalted turkey as usual. Her mother brought leeks and nothing else. Her father and his new wife Cristine, a senior at UCLA, brought store-bought apple pie that smelled like feet. Melissa broke out her best plastic tablecloth and set the table. She even took out her stolen FFC cups and a bouquet of fake roses from the dollar store.
The family sat down to begin their feast. They all had immaculate posture… no really, like perfect. It was a bit quiet, so Melissa decided to start the conversation.
“So, Cristine, how are your classes this semester?”
Cristine went pale, her expression unchanging.
“Oh, did you drop out?”
Yikes. Melissa turned to her mother: “So mom, what’s it like being a Republican these days?”
Her mother didn’t say a word either.
“That bad, huh?”
Melissa turned to Jed and Jolene, the absolute unit. They hadn’t said a word to each other, or anyone else, all night.
“Jolene, how was your month-long vacation to Paris with your best friend Genevieve? And Jed, I know you went to Mykonos with your best friend Thad at the same time. How was that?”
Neither partner said a word.
“Guess it was great, you’re both speechless!”
Melissa looked over at Christine and noticed a sparkling bracelet on her wrist. It seemed all too familiar.
“Is that my blue Tiffany bracelet, you whore?!”
She grabbed the bracelet and pulled with all her might. The bracelet flew off, and with it, Christine’s whore arm. Mortified, Melissa clutched the arm tight and waved it menacingly in Christine’s face.
“You better stop fucking my dad, or I’ll take the other one too!”
Suddenly, Melissa’s roommate Jezebel, walked into the apartment. Her Starbucks coffee and CVS bag hit the floor.
“What the actual fuck Melissa?! I was gone twenty minutes. Why are you having dinner with a bunch of mannequins? And are they wearing my clothes?!”
Melissa flew into a rage, ripped Jezebel’s stupid, plastic head off, and punted it out the window.