The Asshat’s Guide to Making Your Parents’ House Feel Like College

The first step to creating an authentic Johns Hopkins experience from home is getting that shitty little dorm room. The easiest way to simulate this is to set up a desk and a rickety bed in your mom’s walk-in closet. Feel free to add a diffuser with the scent of weed, moldy muffins, and Svedka. Another nice touch is crushed up beer cans, Monster, and week-old underwear piled in the corner. 

Next is tackling the communal showers. Here at the lovely Johns Hopkins, dorms have communal showers and dirty-ass toilets (unless your lucky ass got Wolman). To recreate this experience at home, ask your parents and siblings if they’d like to share a bathroom. You can also ask your mom to skip out on a few bathroom washes a month.

Feel like you’re missing out on the frat experience? Have your parents ask “Who do you know here?” every time you try to get a snack in the kitchen. Have them send you around the block for good measure. Switching out your dining room table for a crusty folding table also helps get that frat feel. If your shoes feel too clean, it’s because they are. Spill some beer on the floor at least once a week and don’t EVER clean it up. If you have some extra beer left over, you can chug it while your dad yells “Chug, chug chug!” and wishes he was this much of a fucking boss in college.

Your parents can also function as your dutiful RAs. If you smoke some weed in your room, they can knock on your door and say, “RA! Open up!” In addition to being your RAs, your parents can function as Brody atrium noise simulators. When you really need to get some work done, just tell them to be as loud as possible to achieve maximum counterproductivity’.

In other news, the Black and Blue Jay has started a brand new service free of charge: At-Home Rave Alerts. Hopkins doesn’t quite feel the same without almost daily Rave Alerts letting you know someone is getting mugged nearby. To fill this hole in your heart, you can now sign up to have Black and Blue Jay members randomly text you throughout the semester about fake crimes. Yesterday alone, we reported 

“100 lbs of milk stolen from the lactation museum” 

“3 cats stuck in tree on Front street. Traffic is slightly interrupted,” 

“naked man seen from 2 blocks away”

and “Charmar preacher resurfaces in bumfuck nowhere preaching to cattle.” 

Follow these tips and sign up for our rave alerts to help you feel more at home college! You’ll be glad regret that you did.

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