Chaos and sexual frustration ravaged the online Johns Hopkins community this morning as the single resource most vital to collegiate life was compromised: PornHub. 

User u/haveajizz took to Reddit this morning to seek the help of his peers. He asked the community: “I’m trying to access PornHub on the Hopkins wifi, and it seems really slow.” Just to be sure, he tried Xvideos, Xnxx, Brazzers, Xhamster, SpankWire, and of course, PornerBros — all to no avail. We obtained his letter of complaint to Johns Hopkins IT sent before he realized that the GuestNet would not scratch his horny itch:

Dear JHU Tech Support,

I woke up this morning with the uncontrollable urge, nay NEED, to take care of my morning Homewood. 

With all the effort taken to accommodate students’ technology needs amid the pandemic, I would expect Hopkins to extend the same concern for our psycho-sexual health. You can imagine my discomfort (not just talking about my blue balls) when I learned that the JHU GuestNet would not load PornHub.

While I waited for the page to load, I wished for nothing more than the means to blow my load. Sadly, even after consulting my Physics GroupMe, GenBio Piazza, and my expos professor, I could not find a solution. My roommate had the same problem as well, and he was sitting right next to me in bed. We weren’t swordfighting — we were just collaborating, as Hopkins students are encouraged to do.

Since Hopkins provides us with free computers but no free porn, I had to make do with Minecraft creative mode. Those zombies were dummy thicc. It’s not the resolution I’m used to (those pixelated green cheeks can only get me so far), but it got the job done. 

I don’t mean to blow this issue out of proportion, but you better get on top of this if you want to stay #9 in those U.S. News Rankings. I eagerly await your reply.

Yours erotically,

u/haveajizz 

JHU ‘20, B.A. Film & Media Studies, Minor Women’s & Gender Studies

Summa Cum Louder