By now you’ve probably seen President Daniels’ “inspiring” video that absolutely blessed the airwaves this week. But the Black and Blue Jay called bullshit on Ronny D’s enthusiasm, and was able to find his original script. Enter the mind of Ron Daniels:

Hi, I’m Ron Daniels, the out-of-touch Dad of Johns Hopkins. 

I’m here alone, on the Keyser quad, like I always am. My wife won’t even let me sleep on the couch anymore. I sleep in the laundry room of AMR II. I like the way the machines vibrate when I lie on top of them.

100 years ago, when I was a young boy, women had no rights and Russians gave communism a try — the ideal society. 100 years ago, the sale of alcohol was illegal, which meant I had to talk about my problems. 100 years ago today, it was raining. Oh and there was a pandemic. 

Just like back then, we had to send our students home and with them, our dreams of occupying buying up the rest of Baltimore. But as expected, we triumphed. While some more prestigious institutions (and even the local community colleges, ew) wasted millions of dollars on vaccine research, we made a fucking map. We put numbers on that map. And you bet your ass we put pretty colors on that map. This is why we are the (ninth) best university in the country. 

As always, the Hopkins community has helped Baltimore through the tough times. We sent out 12 lukewarm meals, and only half of them were expired. If you ask me, that’s 6 non-expired meals. To coordinate community service, we created yet another useless piece-of-shit volunteer tracker so you can put this on your résumés. Ooooh and we sent out daily emails of solidarity instead of doing literally anything to address the systemic inequality that plagues this city and which Hopkins has propagated for 144 years. 

For PDoS this year, I was thinking that instead of making masks or delivering meals to the poor (lol), you could service your president instead 😉 

A SignUpGenius will soon be available for the following jobs:

• Sensually lowering grapes into my mouth
• Back rubs and cankle massages 
• Playing with my hair (my wife used to do that. Take me back, Debbie. Daddy Daniels needs you)
• Planting one (1) tree in my pretty garden
• Whispering each of JHU’s war crimes into my ear
• Cleaning my house in a maid’s costume while I throw your tuition money at you like a stripper
• Reading the private police force legislation to me right before bed

I’m so proud of everything we’ve accomplished this year. For the rest of the fall, we expect to continue the phenomenal work and keep updating our pretty map. Maybe next year we’ll be number 8.

Xoxo

Ronny D

Aka Daddy Daniels

Aka Debbie I miss you — I’m sorry I said you shouldn’t be able to vote.

PS REGISTER TO VOTE, YOU LAZY FUCKERS.