Freshman, Camped Outside of AMR I, Didn’t Get the Memo

Paris Valentino ‘24 has been camped outside of AMR I for the past two weeks. The Black and Blue Jay had an exclusive interview with this interesting character that explores why the hell she came to campus.

“So why have you been camping outside of AMR I for the past 10 days?” our reporter asked Paris. 

Glamping,” she corrected (a term for glamorous camping, we’re told). “I drove all the way out here from Beverly Hills in my cherry red, holographic RV with my driver Antonio. When we finally got here, it was empty… I figured the other freshmen were off doing their orientation but I decided to skip that nonsense. I’m already so oriented — I traveled the Sahara desert with no one except Antonio as my guide… and four camels… and our royal entourage.” 

“So what have you been up all this time?” our reporter asked.

Paris flipped her silver hair. “I’ve been quite busy, even though I can’t get good internet out here for classes. There’s so much to do when you’re well-to-do. I always start my days with my 40 step Korean skincare routine and hour-long meditation. Then, I get one of Antonio’s world-famous deep tissue massages while I absorb my caviar avocado toast through an IV. By then it’s at least 1 PM and I’m ready for my daily African snail breeding and instructing Antonio on painting my latest masterpiece; can’t ruin my nails, of course.”

By this point, we were thoroughly confused and asked this specimen if she was aware of the viral pandemic ravaging the world.

“Oh, you mean the Tik Tok dance? Of course!” Paris started dancing incoherently as our reporter watched on in horror. 

“No, I mean the disease.. The Coronavirus, the reason everyone around here is wearing masks.” 

“Oh, you mean the new designer? I love him! He’s quite prolific; I ordered 10 masks myself, they should be arriving any day now!” Paris clapped her hands together excitedly.

“Surely you must know, there has been a global pandemic going on for the past six months! The whole world has been affected!” 

Paris narrowed her eyes. “But Antonio hasn’t informed me! And my parents have been on a year long mountain calligraphy expedition in France! How could this be?!” Antonio looked fearfully on. 

At this moment, the pile of Valentino’s Valentino heels in the corner shifted and a tall, dark man emerged. “Anthony! My love, there you are!” Paris smooched his cheek. “This is my wittle wolfie poo,” she told us. “We met at a Baltimore high society party last week. Did you know about this COMID?” 

Anthony looked tired. “Yeah, that’s what we were tested for at that party. It’s obviously a hoax created by radical peoples but it’s been all over the news for months.” 

“I don’t read the news, it’s #toxic,” Paris glared. “I thought the test was just a drug test!” She let out a single cough. 

Our reporter slowly backed away and out of the RV. He heard Anthony asking Paris, “Isn’t the pandemic why you make Antonio do everything for you? He cooks, he cleans, he gives us back rubs… he gave me… other rubs, too.” 

“No, it’s because I can’t be bothered. I have much more important things to attend to like working on my Pyramid Scheme and attending essential oil masterclasses.”  

That was the last we heard from Paris Valentino. It has been rumoured that a campus security guard finally spotted the RV and asked her to leave. Naturally, Paris refused, partially because Antonio had disappeared and she didn’t know how to drive. She was reportedly last seen entering the clock tower in a hurry.

On a completely unrelated note, we would like to congratulate newlyweds Antonio and Anthony on their happy marriage. You truly inspire us in these lonely times.

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