Hopkins Research Monkey Under Too Much Stress, Transfers to Towson

Mr. Chalmers, a current test-subject monkey in the Hopkins neuroscience department, is reportedly transferring to Towson for the 2016-17 academic year.  “I’ve always thought of myself as someone who excels under pressure, but at Hopkins it is too much,” said Mr. Chalmers, “I don’t like how they’re experimenting to deliberately increase my cerebral fluid pressure and how the administration is killing student social life by stifling Greek organizations.”

Mr. Chalmers stated that he didn’t feel Hopkins was a good fit for him. “Although Hopkins is a prestigious name, I honestly think I’d be better off in an academic environment with fewer spinal injections. Also, orgo is killing me right now.”

When explaining his decision to transfer to Towson, Mr. Chalmers said, “Students at Towson always look like they’re having so much fun. I bet they never have to spend more than 2 or 3 hours in an MRI tube a day.”

“I guess this confirms the old adage about Hopkins,” Mr. Chalmers continued. “You’re excited when you get admitted, but sad when you attend and are subjected to repeated invasive testing until the very essence of your being is compromised. Plus, I want to go to a school with a Division I football team.”

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