Irate Freshman Asking, “Why Weren’t My Nude Selfies Hacked?”

Winthrop Eastman III, a member of Hopkins class of 2018, is currently expressing his outrage over the recent celebrity photo hacking scandal. The scandal – which involved hundreds of nude photos being stolen from the iCloud accounts of various celebrities – has swept the world and elicited incensed reactions from many prominent figures. However, Eastman has his own complaint. Namely, that no one’s leaked his nude selfies.

“I’ve been taking selfies in half the bathrooms on campus since I came to Baltimore and nobody wants to steal them,” said Eastman when interviewed. He claims his iCloud account contains a large number of illicit photographs of himself, most of them pictures of his penis, commonly referred to as ‘dick pics.’ Said the student, “I’m still waiting for my pictures to go viral.”

Eastman said that he has sent his pictures to every girl whose phone number he has, and even twice to the campus photo-sharing Facebook page JHU Snaps, but hasn’t heard back from anyone. “Now I hear that someone is stealing nudes and spreading them across the internet? I’m outraged. Steal them, hell, I’d let them have the whole collection; that is the type of publicity I need,” he continued. Still, the freshman is confident in his skills, and hopeful that a leak is on the way. Said Winthrop on his way out, “My best work is yet to come.”

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