The Johns Hopkins University is encouraging the Maryland state legislature to approve a bill creating a private police force for the University. We at the Black and Blue Jay diligently read the fine print of this bill, and found that there’s more to Ronny D’s sinister plan than meets the eye.
Students should expect to see a number of measures intended to further “liberate” the Hopkins community from the violence of the extremely gentrified neighborhood where we reside. Among these measures is the Student Technology and Materials Printing (STAMP) Act, which imposes dramatically higher prices for printing. To corner the lucrative printing market, the school will confiscate all printers owned by students and donate them to MICA.
Next is the thrifty replacement for SOHOP: the Student Overnight Housing Of Police. Freshmen will receive the distinct honor of quartering anywhere from one to five HopCops in their dorm rooms, and surrendering their meal swipes if they get hungry. Give them your shower shoes too– those bathrooms are nasty.
Despite the “flagged: urgent!” mass emails being sent out every ten minutes by the Students Against Private Police, we ask you to resist the urge to dump your dirty chais into the Inner Harbor. Hopkins’ elite private navy, the FFSea, has issued the following warning in anticipation of a JHU mutiny:
“Hear ye, hear ye! All insubordinate students will see their meal plans revoked and their GPAs reduced by 0.5-1.0 points, depending on the severity of the violation. Good luck getting into med school then, bitches!”
But not all hope is lost for us Blue Jays. SGA freshman Bethany Ross, eager to prove herself (and puff up her resume) is organizing the Pre-Meds of Liberty, who will protest the hostile takeover by systematically setting off every Blue Light alarm on campus until the entire police force quits.
Junior GECS major Trevor Travis is also organizing a hunger strike against the FFC, although it’s not clear how he thinks that will help anything. At press time, Travis was outside Garland Hall shouting, “Give me liberty or give me debt!” to which a financial aid officer replied, “okay, debt it is.”
If a private police force indeed descends upon the school, organizers have advised all students to look for lanterns in the Gilman clock tower. They will hang one if police come by land, two if they descend in helicopters, and three if they approach on Segways rolling up North Charles in battle formations.
Organizers note that Segways are surprisingly easy to tip over– and as word of revolution spreads across campus, a single push may become the Shove Heard ‘Round the World.