Hopkins Students Rejoice Amid Plague Set Upon the World

Recent weeks have seen the novel coronavirus unleashed upon the world — and the students of Johns Hopkins University couldn’t be happier. 

In a surprising turn of events, the university decided to prioritize students and cancel in-person classes from now until the end of time (April 12th). Rumor has it that President Ron Daniels only made the decision so he could follow in the footsteps of Harvard after their cancellation. In a recent statement, university officials defended their decision to send students home, remarking that buildings on campus such as AMR I are already absolute cesspools: “Those buildings were specifically designed to facilitate the spread of disease anyway, so maybe it’s for the best that students don’t return.”

Our brave Black and Blue Jay reporters defied their quarantines to interview students and faculty around campus for their reactions. Here are their thoughts:

Just as the U.S. death toll hit 30, sophomore Jake Gyles jumped for joy because he would no longer have to take his Genetics midterm. “Coronavirus is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. This is the happiest day of my life.” When asked whether his midterm cancellation was worth the nationwide chaos, he laughed and said “Good one bro.”

82 year-old physical electrochemistry professor Dr. Alec Tricity commented “Do I look like I know how to use fucking Zoom? I already send all my emails with “Sent from iPhone” at the end of it and I don’t know how to fix that.” 

Senior Ronda Jones is excited for the changes to come: “Now I can go from not going to class to STILL not going to class.” She tells us that she is making a cardboard cutout of herself as her stand-in on Zoom lectures. True genius.

Junior Bethany Lopez showed us her super cute HazMat bathing suit that she plans to wear during her month back home in Miami. “It’s like suuuuuper cute,” she says, “but I’m worried about the tan line from my respirator.”

Finally, relieved freshman and total loner Mark Struckerberg now has a university-sanctioned reason to isolate himself from the world while staying on campus: “Now when my mom asks me why I’m alone in the dark on a Saturday night, I can tell her that Ronny D locked me in my room.”

We here at the Black and Blue Jay don’t get paid enough for this shit, so enjoy our hiatus and yours too. If we can make it through Hand Foot Mouth, we can overcome Corona. 

And wash your fucking hands.

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