English Professors’ Streak of Puns Makes Students “Thoreau-up”

All twenty-three of English Professor Paul Richardson’s Brit Lit class reportedly vomited after Richardson told them that he only “Goethe the meaning after reading be-Twain the lines. If you try to Rush-die through these books, this class will be Hell-er for you because literature is only Austen-sibly literal.” According to students, Richardson hasn’t been the only one to subject their students to such horrendous quips.

Students in Gerald Bunter’s freshman seminar were very troubled by the professor saying he thought them to “Ovid-entially not Mann-aging their assigned texts.” Freshman Anna Kipter said that Bunter would pay for this in teacher evaluations.

When asked for a comment, Bunter said that he “is usually a Mell-o-ville person, but I Kant believe that a student would do that. It’s even worse than that Icelandic language-Emerson program I did in high school. They seemed like such Dahl-ings before. Now they’re nothing but Woolves, Poe-lemicists, Dick-enses, Rascal-nikovs. There is a Heinlein when it comes to puns. They have no sense of Hume-or or Whit, man. I just Lovecraft-ing puns.”

Others reported that English and History of Science professor traumatize their class when he told them to “Steinbeck from that bug!” before laughing and saying “JK, Rowling on the floor laughing.” This was after he supposedly mentioned the importance of “Douglass atoms.”

The BNBJ contacted English department chair Edith Stone, who said that the complaints didn’t bother her because all students have to “Chekhov a box if they mind puns when they register. This Wilde ignorance of contracts is disconcerting and is a Haw-thorne in my side. It may Hux-lead to something even w-Hurst-on. They just go doing things at Rand-om. Frankly, they’re just being a bunch of Dumas-ses.”

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