The JHU Counseling Center has issued their first ever bit of advice for students suffering with mental health. “So many students come through these doors whining and crying all over our clean tissues about how hard their exams are,” says Karen, head of empathy. “We’ve designed this brand new pamphlet which explains how to #cancel grief.

“At the denial stage students may tell their friends, family, and loved ones ‘The exam went great!’ It’s important to be honest, though.Tell you parents, ‘that exam fucking sucked major ass titties and I’m never going to be a doctor.’ Students may also pretends to have good lives at this stage, but that hope should be abandoned at all costs.

“At the anger stage students may not say please and thank you to FFC workers anymore. At this time, access to LIME scooters should be limited as many students have been known to break them over their knees. Here, it’s important to just bottle all that anger up and shove it deep deep down and then it’ll be gone forever.

“At the bargaining stage students may send desperate emails to their professor saying things like ‘I know I didn’t answer questions 1, 3, 4, or 5, but I truly believe question 2 was the most important.’ and ‘Single?’ While it may be tempting to fuck your crusty ass professor only attempt to do so if they’re hot… like a 6/10 at minimum.

“Most Hopkins students are aware of how to “deal” with depression and what it looks like, but if you don’t have access to a mirror, here’s what it may look like. Depressed students may cry in their room alone, order 4 McGriddles off UberEats at 9am, eat all of them, and then take an 8 hour nap. I wouldn’t know though. I’ve never been sad. We take depression very seriously. If you or someone you know suffers from depression, please come in immediately. We need help.

“At the acceptance stage, students will finally give up, drop the class, and switch to Public Health. It’s for the best.”

These pamphlets will be distributed on Gilman Quad on unspecified day of the week at midnight.