Freshman Penny Howards was last seen sitting in Brody Cafe. She attempted to buy a single Dirty Chai with her JCard, which was declined. Frantically, she tried her debit card, to no avail. In a last ditch effort, she whipped out “Daddy’s MasterCard”—which is only used for emergencies—and was met with her third decline. She immediately went rabid, foaming at the mouth, and attacked the Brody Cafe worker. She was sedated, and wheeled by JHU Security to the JHU Counseling Center. 

The Counseling Center, not wanting to do any work, put Penny in a straight jacket, citing “I’m on my break.” An intrepid Black and Blue Jay Reporter was able to interview Penny over the phone on opposite sides of a locked door.

“Honestly, I have no idea,” Penny claimed. “Over the summer my stepmom made me work 9-5 in retail at Hollister. It was good money, 7.25 an hour, although they did make me feel bad about only being a size 00. I also got a lot of cash at my graduation party, so I started the semester with $3000 in my debit account. And my parents gave me $200 in Jcash for printing and laundry. I don’t know how I lost it all so fast.”

When asked what she had been spending her money on, Penny responded: “Well I bought all my textbooks, brand new, because the USED sticker on the book makes me feel poor. I know I have a meal plan, but I don’t ~vibe~ with the FFC. So I’ve been eating out a lot. I love Honeygrow personally. It’s so good. I get every meat, every topping, every sauce, every time. I also decided to support the local community by hiring Blue Jay Cleaners every Sunday. It’s just like when I’m at home, when my maid does everything for me. I also decided I didn’t like the color of the walls in my dorm, so I printed 300 pages of colored paper to line my walls. Then I printed another 600 blank pages because I just like the sounds the printer makes.

“I’m also on a health kick, so I bought tons of essential oils, vitamins, and ointments at CVS. I also paid for F45 classes at the gym. I haven’t gone yet, but I like having the option. Plus, Barnes and Noble has the best apparel. I decided I just NEEDED a JHU Basketball shirt, even though I fucking hate basketball. I also online shop in every class, but doesn’t everyone?” 

When asked if she was going to get a job on campus, Penny responded “Honestly, I’d rather die. Instead, I’m going to sell shit I steal from Ronny D’s house. I got a Robert E. Lee statue that I’m hoping goes for at LEAST a Honeygrow gift card.”