Junior Claire Waters was ecstatic to start an Op-Ed to the newsletter about the REAL Baltimore. She was ready to destroy the Hopkins Bubble, and tell the entire community the best place to go to in Baltimore for only $35: The National Aquarium.
Every morning at the crack of dawn, she rides a Lime Scooter down to the Inner Harbor, with her eyes closed the entire way. When asked why, she says she only wants to subject her eyes to the REAL Baltimore. A brave Black and Blue Jay reporter followed her via Jump Scooter (with their eyes half open) to see this “magical” world.
“I once came here for Bio Lab and honestly it changed my life,” she commented, “it made me so grateful for what I have. You really can’t beat this place.” She then began her tour, acting as excited as a first semester Blue Key guide who hasn’t yet died internally. “First off, these are BEST crabs in Baltimore,” she claimed as she gave her J-Card to a befuddled attendant. “It’s a shame about all the gentrification,though,” she said, pointing at a touch tank with jellyfish.
As our tour guide walked towards a somewhat dimly lit hallway, she started to sweat profusely and tremble. “A lot of people say not to go east of Guilford because you’ll get mugged,” she said, “but it’s really east of the seahorses you have to watch out for.” On the escalator up to the roof she happily chimed in saying: “It’s so great to have such reliable public transport in this city.” On the rainforest level, she said, “I love seeing the Baltimore Orioles in here.” She then pointed to a parrot. “What a beautiful Oreo.”
Back by the fish tanks, she said “I love to serve my community here,” as she pulled loose Old Bay Seasoning out of her pocket to feed to fish, sprinkling it upon them like a merciful goddess. A couple flakes fell to the floor, but she prudently cleaned them up with a President’s Day of Service shirt, which she then flung in the tank. As our reporter looked at her surprised, she retorted “What? They’re used to a little garbage anyway.”
Once in the gift shop, which she called “The Arts District”, she bought a stuffed dolphin and an Orioles Jersey, chanting “Go Areolas!” in the store. When asked what she was naming the dolphin, she said “FFC Vegan Burger.” As the aquarium was beginning to close, and the security began to throw her out, she said “It’s fine. I’ll be back tomorrow for more of the REAL Baltimore. I hear it’s dangerous outside but… y’know… I like to live on the edge a little.” As these heroic words left her mouth and at the exact same time her feet touched the sidewalk, she died.
Her funeral is tomorrow, where she will be placed upon a burning Lime Scooter and ceremoniously pushed back into the clutches of the REAL Baltimore. Coincidentally, a shark feeding session is scheduled at the same time. If students wish to attend they will NOT be granted an excused absence.