The Beer Garden of Eden – Book of Daniels 1:1-22

In the beginning the Spring Fair Committee created the Beer Garden of Eden
And They saw it was good.
And They said let there be lit.
And it was lit. #lit #swag #springfair2019.
So the Spring Fair Committee created the drunken frat brothers and srat sisters (in tank tops), and every living creature.
And They #blessed them, saying, “Be fruitful and multiply.” (And lord knows they did.)
And on the seventh day of creation, the Committee procrastinated.

And the Lord Committee planted a Beer Garden in the President’s Eden
And placed the creatures They had created
Where They baptised them in the fountain.
And They got athlete’s foot in their eyes.
And it was good.
And the men and women were naked, but were not ashamed. #bodypositivitywin.
And the Lord Committee said, “Of every beer, wine, and mead you may drink, but of the Angry Orchard you must not eat of it or you shall surely die.”

But crafty Ronny D said to a Phi Mu sister, “Come hither my child. You are not going to die. As soon as you eat of it, you will receive a perfect MCAT.”
And the sister saw that the Angry Orchard was good and she took of it and drank.
And she chugged it and turned to the serpent Ronny D and asked, “Do you have the rosé flavor?”
Then she ran to her Beta boyfriend and iced him with a second Angry O.
They saw they were naked and hid behind the El Tigre Tacos truck.

The Lord Committee said, “Because you have done this, cursed are you among all Greek life to be sober party monitors for all eternity.”
At this the two students fainted and the Lord Committee commandeth the angel HERO to removeth them from the gardenth.

And then the Lord Committee broke the fourth wall and said, “I guess our theme this year has become Paradise Lost, but ‘Here we may reign secure, and in my choyce
To reign is worth ambition though in Hell:
Better to reign in Hell, then serve in Heav’n.’”


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s