WOW! HOME-FUCKING-RUN for these Johns Hopkins students who planted Marigolds outside the Waverly Giant this Saturday for President’s Day of Service. The heroic flowers completely eradicated the multi-generational poverty and systemic racism that had long plagued Waverly’s residents. Despite never volunteering in the city before, or ever again, these President’s Day of Service students have accomplished meaningful change by opening a bag of soil and planted fifteen Home Depot Marigolds in it.

In an exclusive interview with Michelle Blanc, from the Johns Hopkins Center for Social Concern, we learned what these flowers are capable of. Said Ms. Blanc: “They end homelessness. They employ everybody. They run an after-school arts programs, build comprehensive public transportation, provide free healthcare, manicure every lawn, run weekly clothing swaps, distribute pottery class Groupons, operate SEVERAL farmers’ markets, pierce little girls’ ears, put in a hot yoga studio on every corner, treat depression, administer iPad minis, clean out email inboxes, change all the light bulbs in a mile radius to energy saving LEDs, buy everyone a pair of FILA Disruptors, end global warming (but only in Waverly), deescalate the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, bring back the white horned Rhinoceros (but only in Waverly), stop US intervention in the middle east, end fascism (but only in Waverly), and instantaneously deposit reparations into all Waverly residents’ bank accounts.”

Looking over her shoulder for a pen she dropped, Ms. Blanc added, “Oh and they also cure white guilt.”