Freshman non-History major Warner Schwartz told The Black and Blue Jay earlier today that instead of being a brotherhood of fellow students as he thought, the fraternity he joined, Kappa Kappa Kappa, is seeming more like a white supremacist group every day.
When asked what first tipped him off, Schwartz responded,
“Well for starters, there are no black people, but this is Hopkins so that wasn’t a huge surprise. I’m not sure what the first clue really was… Every year they perform a version of The Sound of Music where the Nazi’s win, but I thought that was just them being ironic, you know?”
Schwartz continued, “I dunno, they all just seemed so welcoming from the moment they first heard my name. This one guy, Hans, kept saying I’m an Übermensch, which I found odd because I usually prefer cabs or buses. I don’t even have the Über app. But I guess I’ll take the compliment.”
Schwartz claims he was further thrown from the scent by the presence of a few Indian members whom the others referred to as, “technically part of the Aryan race.”
“I though they meant the rat race! Like med school and the pressures of modern life and stuff!” Schwartz insisted.
Sources report the final hint that brought about this revelation was when, as a pledge task, Schwartz was told to run across campus with a white, pointy sheet over his head.
“That part was what reminded me of this sculpting club I joined one time called the Ku-Klux-Kiln and this summer camp I worked at one time – Mein Kamp – both of which turned out to be white supremacist groups. Then I realized just how similar the two groups are and thought, ‘these guys probably hate black people and Jews like those guys did.’”
Schwartz announced that he is leaving Kappa Kappa Kappa, “60% because of the bigotry, 25% because the armbands are itchy, and 15% because Greek life isn’t really for me.” Although he was leaving, he said he would miss many of the people he met.
“Heinrich, Benny ‘I-Hate-Jackie-Robinson’ Robinson, Anti-Semitic Andy, Segregation Greg, Donald Sterling… I think I’ll probably see them around. Heinrich is my bioethics TA.”
At press time, a source from Kappa Kappa Kappa said that they would miss Warner, but was confident that they would be able to strengthen their numbers even further with their upcoming invasion of the French, Polish, and Czechoslovakian clubs.