“My birthday isn’t for a while,” said a blushing Ron Daniels from his imported leather swivel chair in Garland Hall. “But what can I say, they just keep flocking to me!” In the lobby below, students entered their 7th day of protests against the recently-approved University private police initiative as well as contracts with Immigration and Customs Enforcement.

“They’ve been putting up decorations in the lobby all week,” said Daniels gleefully. “People have been bringing donuts, too. I haven’t grabbed one yet, but I’m just glad everyone down there is having a good time.” 

“This is one of the most important issues facing our University, and we’re in it for the fight of our lives,” said organizer Hannah Jefferson. “Did someone say they’re having the night of their lives?” asked Daniels, putting on a party hat over the party hat he was already wearing. “Because so am I! You young folks sure know how to make a guy feel special!”

He then tossed a handful of confetti over the railing, letting it rain down on the silent, exhausted crowd below.

Daniels also reflected on the persistence of the “partygoers” at keeping the “festivities” underway. “Johns Hopkins University cultivates a stellar work ethic. That’s why the school has literally no problems at all– everyone’s too busy with their studies to cause trouble!” he said. “This work ethic is on full display downstairs, among the devoted members of my fan club.”

“Some of them have even been sleeping in the building overnight, just to make sure I feel their love,” Daniels added. “I like waving to them from the stairs every morning so they know I do. I really do.”