Winter’s Rejected Headlines

There are only so many hours in the day, and only so many brilliant, well-adjusted, sexually active writers on the Black and Blue Jay’s staff. Here’s what didn’t quite make the cut this winter:

  1. Maxie’s Now Selling Crack Cocaine 1PM – 3 PM
  2. Philosophy Department Sees Second Major Enroll in Ten Years
  3. CharMar Preacher Converts To Buddhism; Keeps Ranting Through Megaphone
  4. Hopkins Bubble Finally Passes 10 Total Pageviews
  5. In Effort to Gentrify Baltimore, Hopkins Renames JHMI Shuttle “JHAMES”
  6. Eddie’s Sells Liquor to Two Twelve Year Olds In Trenchcoat
  7. Hopkins Avoids Communicable Disease for Third Straight Month; Throws Party
  8. Hopkins “Did Not Take Bribes To Let Athletes In Back Door,” But Is “Open To Idea”
  9. List of Fraternities Not On Probation Expands To One
  10. A Game of Fetch Gone Wrong: Amadeus Ingests Ira Remsen’s Bones
  11. First Ever Student Completes Intersession Without Getting Smashed
  12. Freak Snowstorm Baffles Campus
  13. Freak Sunshine Baffles Campus
  14. Freshman Impresses PI With Rats Harvested From AMR II
  15. Hopkins Student Studies During Spring Break As Neurotic Coping Mechanism For New Free Time
  16. Ronny D Not Invited to Ivy League President’s Birthday Party, Pretends Not To Cry
  17. Student Pulls Teeth Out Of Blue Jay Statue: Heroism or Hate Crime?
  18. Brody Elevator Not Broken For First Time In 5 Semesters
  19. Hop-Cop-Only Dining Hall To Open In 2020
  20. Visual Arts Get Adequate Funding: An April Fools Day Special

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