Why get your frights on when you can have your soul slightly jostled by the looming undefined dread of existence? This Halloween, skip the traditional haunted house experience and get a real shake-up from the Black and Blue Jay’s Slightly Unnerving House. Held in the basement of The Bloomberg Center for Physics and Astronomy, the Slightly Unnerving House will feature a variety of rooms and spectacles sure to make you feel, like, kind of weird? But not really scared?

The experience will start with a short lecture by visiting professor of philosophy Nathan Williamson. This won’t really have anything to do with the following experience, but you’re sure to feel slightly unnerved as you sit in a discount horse head mask being educated about moral responsibility by a man with an unfortunate mustache.

Guests will first enter a hallway that feels slightly humid– like, just a little more humid than the rest of the building– and be escorted to the first room by a distant father figure who will lay a gentle hand on the back of their neck. But in a companionable way. You think.

The first room will feature a half-dressed Blue Jay mascot wearing his fuzzy pants and bird head, but no shirt. The surprisingly ripped Blue Jay will go over your most recent midterm with you and show you which questions you missed without explaining why you missed them. When the review session is complete, a panel will open into the next room.

Room Two will feature one of the kids from your FYM group who you never really talked to sobbing quietly in the corner under an eerie green glow. Your job is to comfort them enough to convince them to unlock a door in the far end of the room, leading to a hallway of mannequins. All the mannequins kind of look like Al Gore and are facing away from you, and a loudspeaker system is playing a continuous loop of the Gilman clock tower bell chimes– you know, the ones who always miss a few notes in the middle?

The hallway leads to an exact replica of the Financial Aid office. It is empty. Nothing is different about it. You then walk through several bead curtains into a dark physics lab filled with TV monitors.

Based on a short survey you took before entering the event, these TVs will be playing any of the following on loop:

• The Wiggles fruit salad song
• Sean Spicer briefings
• Luke & Leia kissing
• Ken Burns documentaries
• All of Monsters Inc  
• Failed freshman SGA candidate interview videos
• ASPCA commercials
• Bill Nye the Science Guy but every time he says “science” is gets faster
• ASMR of cutting soap
• Porn

If you can get through this room, you will reach the final spectacle: a dimly lit FFC setting where you have to make polite small talk with your roommate’s parents. This room will remain locked until you get invited to their house for Thanksgiving. Congrats, now you have plans!

The Slightly Unnerving House will be open to the public from 3pm until whenever we get shut down by the Department of Homeland Security on Halloween night. Tickets are free for the public, and 60 Dining Dollars for Hopkins students. HERO EMT’s will not be on staff. See you there!