In a new gambit to raise much-needed funds for their national philanthropy, the National Rifle Association, new Hopkins sorority Gamma Omega Pi (GOP) is organizing a male beauty pageant entitled “Mr. College Republican.” Featuring a variety of exciting events, Mr. College Republican is sure to be a night of conservative thrills and cheap shots at “sensitive university elites” exactly like the ones organizing the event.

The pageant will feature a diverse array of Republican students from all sects of conservatism: “fiscally conservative socially apathetic” Republicans, gun-loving Republicans, climate conspiracy theorists, “it’s a scary time for men” Republicans, Libertarians, “free speech is dead” Republicans, people who have never questioned the beliefs their parents raised them with, “wage gap is a myth” Republicans, the actual Pope (the most liberal participant), self-hating [insert minority group here] Republicans, Tea-Partiers, “we freed the slaves” Republicans, and good old-fashioned bigots.

Mr. College Republican will be held in The Hopkins Club starting at 8 p.m. on election night. The pageant will feature a variety of competition categories including:

• Pledge of Allegiance recitation
• Salmon shorts pageant catwalk
• 2nd Amendment recitation
• Tax evasion contest
• Country club attire catwalk
• Senator lookalike contest
• Debate (Topic: Men’s Rights in America)
• Build! That! Wall! competition
• Marksmanship

The final interview portion will quiz contestants on pressing topics affecting young Republicans today, including: Favorite Global Issues to Ignore, How To Invest Daddy’s Money, How Guns Can End Gun Violence, and How the Market Regulates Itself.

Tickets can be bought in advance from a GOP sister, or — if you have difficulty speaking to women without a lawyer present — the CharMar preacher for $10 ($5 for active military, but not veterans). Voting for the winner will be decided through an elaborate Electoral College-style process. Seven forms of government-issued identification plus video footage of your own birth — preferably in front of the Statue of Liberty — are required to enter the pageant.

See you there!