BALTIMORE– In anticipation of the hurricane set to make its way up the East Coast this week, University administration has released a statement outlining its safety procedures and policies. After a wonderful morning enjoying his breakfast in bed served by the Writing Seminars faculty, University President and part-time meteorologist Ronald J. Daniels checked his Bloomberg weather app and commented “Oh, bother,” after seeing Hurricane Florence barreling towards the University. He immediately sent out the following email to students and faculty notifying them of University precautions.
“Dear Illustrious and Beautiful Blue Jays,
First of all, humanities are great! I took a nude painting class once… hot.
Speaking of women, oh no! A hurricane is coming! CRIME TIP: Should you find yourself the victim of Hurricane Florence, do not resist and do not pursue suspects. Always remember to stay calm, listen and observe intently, surrender any requested property and report the hurricane as soon as possible. For more natural disaster prevention tips, please visit the Campus Safety and Security website here.
Also please note we will have Baltimore Police Department officers stationed all over campus ready to shoot the fuck out of Hurricane Florence should she try anything. Any suspicious (read: gray) clouds will be eliminated.
To help prepare students for this inclement weather, we will be equipping our Blue Jay Shuttle drivers with hand cranked paddle boats in order to ferry students across campus during the storm. However, please understand that due to high demand, lacrosse players and BME students will be given first priority. All other engineering students will be advised to build their own paddle boats. Natural Sciences students will be given a small number of kayaks representing medical school acceptance slots, which they will have to inevitably fight over. Humanities students can go fuck themselves.
The Fresh Food Cafe will no longer be serving food this week, but instead will be handing out generators, flashlights, and Xanax. Students will be able to take supplies, but only whatever fits into a single to-go box. If you are planning to loot the FFC, please note that it has already caught fire once this week, and we don’t pay the staff there enough to deal with it happening again.
Students will also be given whatever Road Scholars signs haven’t been stolen to be used as shutters for their dorm rooms.
In the next day or so, Resident Advisors will be hosting mandatory floor meetings in order to rank which of their residents the University must prioritize saving should the worst come to pass. On an unrelated note, please bring your parents’ latest tax forms to these meetings.
I also understand many of our students have never experienced a hurricane– or being blown by any woman, for that matter. If you would like to call the Counseling Center, please remember that the number is (410) 516-8000. Please be aware that you will need to call 4 months in advance to book an appointment.
Stay dry out there!
Love you all,
Ronny D <3”
A Black and Blue Jay reporter investigated around campus to gauge the emotional toll the impending hurricane is having on the University. She saw many students who appeared extremely stressed and were barricading themselves in Brody study rooms. She also spotted President Daniels placing heavy bags of money around the perimeter of his house to prevent flooding. Our reporter confirmed to staff that nothing seemed out of the ordinary.