11 Ways To Avoid Dweeb Status This O-Week

It’s that time of year again: the Johns Hopkins campus is inundated with 1,300 hopeful new freshmen looking to make the most out of their college experience. “New school, new me,” they say, hoping to eschew the nerdiness that defined them in high school (after all, they’re at Johns Hopkins and not Penn). If you’re one of these new youngin’s, we at the Black and Blue Jay are here to help!  We’ve compiled a list of eleven things you must do to avoid becoming an Official Dweeb™.

    1. Change majors: Everyone changes majors at Hopkins: either they realize they’re too stupid to do something academic and transfer to Public Health or Econ, or they’re indoctrinated into the cult of research junkies who roam the basement labs of Maryland Hall and go for Biophysics or History. For the full experience we recommend declaring a Visual Arts minor this week and then dropping it next week.
    2. Buy drugs: Everyone talks about trying Baltimore staples like crab cakes and Natty Bo, but don’t forget about an even more local JHU delicacy: cocaine! Hit up the frat houses after dark to score your first hit: if you see a pair of salmon-pink shorts and an asking price of over $200 per gram, you know you’ve found your dealer.  
    3. Go to Washington!: It’s Baltimore’s number one tourist attraction and a great way to get to know the city (40 miles from the city) where you’ll spend your next four years!  Make sure to go with people who you’ll completely lose contact with in the next 2 weeks.
    4. Sleep in Brody: Might as well get used to it.  
    5. Sleep in Brody 😉 : It’s like the last one, but without the sleeping.  You’ll get started on the Hopkins Seven, ensuring that O Week won’t be a complete waste of time. (For a full description of the Hopkins Seven, ask that weird upperclassman in your American Gov lecture).
    6. Try and fail to brighten the day of a University employee: Let’s be real, no number of “good morning”s or polite nods will make up for the mess you’re bound to leave in the FFC or the drunken debauchery you’ll engage in right in front of security officers. Best just to lower your head and embrace your shame.  
    7. Sign up for a club you’ll never attend: Yes, you were the president of 17 clubs in high school, but really do you care about those anymore? You have lab eating up your time now, and which would you rather do– shitty work for Model UN, or sitting in your underwear watching Netflix? That’s what we thought.
    8. Become passionate about the food options in the area: Do you think Niwana’s great?  Honeygrow’s trash? Tamber’s is tasty?  Is this opinion based on one noodle you had from someone’s leftovers?  Doesn’t matter– the other freshmen won’t know the difference. Assert your dominance over them by taking unnecessarily strong stances on all the local food offerings. You’ll blend in great with the juniors.
    9. Get a research position: If you don’t have one by the end of the O Week, do you even go here?
    10. Make an enemy on your floor: Everyone talks about the friends you make in college, but what about the enemies? Pick one kid you have a mild reason to dislike and make sure everyone else knows how much you despise Richard or whoever he is.
    11. Make sure everyone knows how smart you are: Try your best to spout bullshit about anything and everything you know nothing about– especially if you’re talking to someone who has first-hand experience with the topic. People will think you are very smart, and so kind to share your knowledge with them. Once you master this skill, you’ll become a true JHU student. Welcome to the nest!

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s