6:45 – 7:00 AM: Wake up, snort whey off of each other’s shafts, tuck sweatpants into socks, ride scooter to gym for serious #gainz

7:00 – 8:30 AM: Loudly grunt with each other in the weight room

8:30 – 9:00 AM: Quick golden shower with the boys

9:00 – 11:00 AM: Update tinder bio with their greatest masterpiece: “Hey whaddup my name’s Charleston, and I’m just trying to find a girl to laugh with…. Hahaha”

11:00 AM – 12:00 PM: Set tinder radius minimum to 2 miles to only get Loyola girls

12:00 PM – 1:00 PM: Hit up Honeygrow, thank God for gentrification

1:00 – 2:00 PM: Color in pretty book that Stepmom Three gave me with the crayons that Stepmom Four gave me. I miss Stepmom Two 😦 she had nice boobies.

2:00 – 2:15 PM: Buy clean pee on D-level

2:15 – 2:45 PM: Run moisturized hand through glorious—insured—flowing mane

2:45 – 3:00 PM: Accidentally use clean pee for STD test instead of drug test

3:00 – 4:00 PM: Go to class (stream the Golf Channel on laptop)

4:00 – 4:02 PM: Remember that lacrosse is a white-dominated sport that actively represses its Native American origins without giving due respect to its creators or even basic human respect to the Native Americans in 2018.

4:03 PM: Remember Pocahontas’ sweet, hot rack

4:04 – 4:45 PM: Jerk it to Pocahontas

4:45 – 5:00 PM: Re-tuck sweatpants into socks

5:00 – 5:30 PM: Meet up with tutor to “collaborate” on Econ problem set

5:31 PM: Draw penis on problem set (trace if needed)

5:32 – 6:00 PM: Laugh about penis while tutor does the rest of the problems

6:00 – 6:30 PM: Email professor: “Hey whaddup Dr. Nerd, I just worked hard on the problem set, can you bump my 34% up to an 70? Honestly, I’ll take a 69 too.”

6:30 – 7:30 PM: Laugh about 69

7:30 PM: Not Pepsi!

7:31 – 10:00 PM: Sit in the carcass of PJ’s around a ceremonial campfire chanting “Jerry Jerry Jerry”

10:00 PM – 2 AM: Sleep

2:00 AM: Text moms 2 through 6, “u up?”