After years of students pulling off all sorts of Bacchic revelry, usually by pleading “officer, this is a wet campus,” the jig is up for these toker jokers. A fucking AMR II snitch has ruined it for all of us this year- Hopkins Security is now well aware of the debauchery and the marijuana that will happen only on the infamous day of April 21.
In an official statement from Hopkins Security, Captain Dan K. Sinatra has vowed that “we won’t stop until every potential offender is weeded out.” The entire force will be barricaded in their offices on Friday April 20th, grinding tirelessly to prepare for the following day. Puffing up his chest in a fiery indignation, Capt. Dan K. (as he prefers to be called) proclaimed “We have a burning passion to uphold the purity of Spring Fair, even if it’s by blunt force.”
Black and Blue Jay reporters hit the… ground to ask students themselves what they thought about the police’s new shocking intelligence. One student quickly replied, “Yep! You got us there! It’s April 21st, we were planning to do the weed!”, his friends nodding along vigorously. A disgruntled senior responded, “Whatever, man. I just want to get chicken-on-stick and fucking graduate.”
Campus officials are excited to announce the new joint initiative inspired by the Hopkins Security’s evident passion for this topic. The new program, Baltimore Opposes Nefarious Ganja, or B.O.N.G., has been received with mixed reviews in the notorious Parents’ Facebook Group. While some parents are thrilled that their little Blue Jays are no longer in harm of inhaling the Devil’s Grass from that one white roommate who hung a Jamaican flag up, others are incredibly concerned for their babies. One parent commented, “but how will my pre-med deal with the strain at Johns Hopkins without his medically approved Jewel?”
Despite the concerns regarding this half-baked initiative, Captain Dan K. is sticking to the plan, “We know that Spring Fair is a high point in these students’ cushy little lives, but we won’t let hazy decisions spoil the air for the innocent folks at Spring Fair.”