Students across the nation are gearing up for summer internship season, fine tuning resumes and begging old professors for recommendation letters. But many have come across a problem: what prior experience can they list that’s not complete bullshit?  We at the Black and Blue Jay have toiled and troubled to compile a list of the seven best fake internships to pad your resume:

FFC Poultry Biothermal Consultant

Making sure that the chicken breasts maintain their tepid temperature precisely between salmonella-inducing and medium-rare.

SOHOP Devil’s Advocate

Encouraging young minds to consider all their options before committing to their sentence at Hopkins.

Official Mansplaining Intern of the Philosophy Department

Well, actually, what you mean to say, correct me if I’m misunderstanding, is that this intern has many spots, so there will be no problem in accounting for the metaphysical ontology of this reconceptualized qua.

Policy Intern with Pro-Life Activist Group located at the corner of 32nd and North Charles

Spread the word of our Lord and Savor, CharMar’s Cheezits Christ.

APL Ballistics Tester (in collaboration with the new Private Police Force)

If you’re already shooting blanks at home, might as well translate that into professional experience. Spice it up with a racial element!

Spring Fair Biowaste Infrastructure Technology Coordinator–Homewood

Like most things at JHU, this internship is usually known by its abbreviation.  Responsibilities include picking up trash and acting like you’re hot shit because you can drive a golf cart with semi-defined biceps.

Editor-In-Chief at The JHU Newsletter

m3 rite gud !!1!