20 Suggestions To End MSE Seat-Saving

The MSE has recently put out a call for suggestions on an enduring problem: the obsessive and long-term saving of seats and study nooks on all levels of the library. Well, MSE staff and concerned students, look no further: we at the Black and Blue Jay have compiled all the very best suggestions for how to correct this nuisance.

  1. Build another Brody just for people to leave their belongings in.
  2. Start a communal fire pit on Brody Terrace to throw abandoned notebooks and textbooks into.
  3. Hire a laptop thief to steal everyone’s laptops. 
  4. Give neglected sweatshirts to Hoptoberfest staff so they can hand them out at random.
  5. Combine all beverages left on desks into a giant jungle juice in a cauldron on A level. Invite broke students to take a scoop… at their own risk.
  6. Booby traps?
  7. Adopt a trained parrot to scream at seat-savers.
  8. Adopt a trained premed to scream at seat-savers.
  9. Enlist a group of students to follow around repeat offenders Game of Thrones style, wearing cloaks and chanting Shame! Shame!
  10. Hire a tall man to take the valuables out of seat-saving backpacks and hold them really high over their owners’ heads. Jump, bitch!
  11. Class-wide detention when any one member of a graduating class leaves their stuff at a desk for over an hour. Geneva Convention whom?
  12. Your Adderall and other controlled substances will be taken and sold back to you at triple their price.
  13. If you save a desk for more than 45 minutes, members of IX will be hired to come pee on your belongings.
  14. Students hoping to study at your saved desk are now encouraged to dissolve your orgo notes with their tears.
  15. All students must now solve a puzzle and perform a feat of strength in order to get a cubicle for one hour. Challenge Level: have one open and honest conversation with your parents. This will earn you 5 hours of cubicle time.
  16. Students must now tutor a lacrosse player for the same amount of time they left their stuff in the library. Crayons will not be provided.
  17. Your abandoned stuff will be transported to the lost-and-found box in Bloomberg.
  18. Any name-brand apparel left at a cubicle will have its designer logo cut out of it with kid scissors.
  19. Anyone leaving the library empty-handed will be tackled by a reverse bouncer. You should be hunched under the weight of at least 4 backpacks– anything else looks suspicious.
  20. Burn the library down! Just burn the fucking library down.

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